Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Campaign Volunteers Needed

I have a big announcement to make. And I need your help.

I'm running for Pope. I'm planning on sneaking into Vatican City, Yentl-style, with my boobs bound up and my hair shorn short, to throw my hat into the ring.

I want the papal ring. The big silver stick. The fancy outfits with the little beanie. Those nice gold pillows. The cool car with the bullet-proof glass. The trips around the world. The giant crucifix. A pulpit from which to speak every week. Millions who follow my every word and decree.

I want the power of the papal decree.

It's a grassroots campaign. I'm counting on a groundswell of support. I'll need to be a write-in candidate. But we can do it, together.

And if elected Pope, I promise to usher in a kinder, gentler papacy. Communion wafers in different flavors. Chocolate-dipped and strawberry-flavored. Wine of a respectable vintage. Pews with cushions. Limited kneeling. No more incense. Or charging for candles.

When I'm Pope, catechism will include lessons with condoms and bananas, and a guide on where to find safe, legal abortions. Homosexuality will be openly embraced, and the priests and nuns can finally march in the annual Gay Pride Parade. We'll do away with that whole celebacy charade, and let everyone get married. We'll ordain women as priests, bishops and cardinals, and clean house of the pedophiles. And sing Christmas carols all year long.
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